Vacacion

Eighteen days 'til Cali
It's rather quite exciting
There's lots to do
And too much to eat
On this much needed retreat.
First we'll pack more then we need
We might even lose some sleep
We'll catch two flights
Hold hands at night
Planning out a new life.
What's great about this winter vacay,
Is that we've got a two weeks stay!
We'll visit friends and celebrate,
Ring in the new year and eat birthday cake!
We'll try to catch a glimpse of the stars
and forget about the troubles below ours
At home in Connecticut it will be cold and dreary
BUT In California we'll feel quite cheery.
With carefree moments made for toasting,
Lazy days made for soaking
The rays of Los Angeles
Make sunglasses first on my packing list!
When it's time to go, we'll know
We made the trip from coast to coast
Just so we could brag and boast
This was the vacation we loved the most.

A Work In Progress

Closed for construction

Destruction of body & mind

Changing directions

Expanding the spine

Laying the foundation

Building with stone

Releasing addictions

All on my own

25 years in the making

3 quarters yet to come

Through reformation

One becomes strong

I'm constantly changing

Re-laying the stone

Improving my circumstance

Confronting the unknown

So you're tellin' me he's the one....

Sure I'm excited for you. 
So happy that you've decided this one person is how you want to live the rest of your life.
But that life is not for me, if fact you now scare me.
Why can't I just be excited for you? Instead I run the opposite way; and close myself off from you who have made up your too eager minds and one-hit-wonder hearts.
That life, or choice is SO not me.
I wonder how can you be so sure?
Why would you want to give up everything you know of yourself to find it only residing in another.
God, how I wonder.... is it human nature to seek out a partner?
Or is it just the American way.
This mid-twenties thing is hard to get.
I discovered that I don't like change when it pertains to others.
Your life choice makes me depressed.
I can't even slow it down; why are you running full speed ahead to your souls' death bed?
No longer a unique individual, but part of a pair.... Then where do you go?
Soon enough you BELONG to another? IS THAT FAIR!?!
It's not for me but will I be forced to be alive in your world?
Do I have to choose someone to be accepted by you again?
Who are you to tell me, "don't worry, it'll happen to you too" gah!
Thanks for the warning, but NO THANKS!
I can choose for myself Who I Want To BE & with whom I want to be.
How could I or why would I want to settle on allowing another person the power to my inner key and what makes me, me?
Why would anyone in their right mind give ANYONE that much POWER!!!!
Why do I seem so upset? You twenty somethings out there & my previous single friends: YOU are happy giving up your self sovereignty, aren't you?
Is it because you get another's to fill your newly emptied space; breeding dependence all over the place?
It's funny 'cause as I write this I feel like a hypocrite.
I too am in a somewhat committed relationship. ....been together longer than those of you who are soo sure. But I don't feel the need to rest my entire happiness on this one individual.
I can count on me, no? ....so does this mean that I am not with "my person"
Some say you know right away.
Perhaps you don't care about losing yourself to find another.
It all seems rather silly and quite sad to me.
My individuality is too important to myself. I am just discovering my inner awareness.
Do you no longer care about forgetting who you were and falling into another as long as you are having a good time?
Well, I'm not looking for that ish yet.
Too much, too strong, too serious for me.
But I am Happy for you,  little cherubs.
Just don't hold it against me.... for I'll be all the while embrasing my own free spirit, mind and body.

Just a thought.

What is this comfort one feels within the sadness? What is the oblivion of feelings
One strives to forget but remembers immediately?
What is the thoughtless hole of feeling
--nothing and everything all at once.

Why me?

Which of my inner personalities is stressed?
Which one is acting like a child, unafraid to be embarrassed?
Who is this person manifesting itself in me?
Why do you choose now as the most im(propper) time to speak.
I don't want you, yet it seems I need you or is it Youwho needs me.

Listen. I'm not going to let you take over. So Emotions leave me be.

Distance. 8/29/10

We're together in the fact that we're the same breed.
Swimming in different pools but doing the same strokes
--each with her own waves to overcome.
We've been as close as we're ever gonna be.
But now separated by plastic and other peoples lives.
Like peas and carrots mixed in a bowl of fruit.

I love fall....It's as if the changing colors on the trees symbolize our own hope for rebirth. Each year the trees prepare to die and lose their leaves for the winter. It's amazing how dieing trees can emit so much beauty in the end of their life cycle.

Death is typically seen as the end of a long journey leaving us weak.

I am intrigued by the changing leaves of fall because even as the trees begin to fade in preparation for winter, their brilliance is more obvious than ever.

How is it that before a tree dies and sheds its leaves, it can emit such beauty and energy befitting spring's freshest blossoms?

To my broken bottle of pickled cider:

Thank you for the inspiration...

I've got a life to run & hide from--
another one waiting to begin.
The seasons prove as a reminder
to change my outlook once again.

Let's rake the leaves of memories passed
and sweep them off the porch instead.
We'll  get lost outside together,
when snow flurries once again.

Try to enjoy the present moment;
anticipating winter's wonderland.
 'For as the freeze creeps upon us
life is buried once again.

This is the Truth.

No matter what happens nothing matters.
The haters will still feed on you.
No matter how hard you try to diffuse..
The bomb's always aimed right at you.
But there's comfort in knowing such facts to be true
While avoidance is met with defeat.
The only response to negative thoughts is positivity.
The strength from within builds the courage to win
Against all threats at your feet.
Keep standing tall through stormy weather and all
And surely you will not be beat.
There's something to be said in keeping a clear head
And denying thoughts of discouragement.
Be bright instead and the one in the end, who holds the key infinite.

What is stress?:

To not be able to think or get done
--anything until the enemy has won
To lose hold of oneself through tensions aligned
To control all thoughts which take over the mind
To want separation from what body aches for
To overcome a limitless craving for more
To grow stronger in agony fighting the crave
While weakness prefers to race towards the grave
I won't give in, I'll fight it with thus:
--I prefer the Pen to an impulsive rush.

wish upon a star

we're both stars in the same universe
trouble is we're in different orbits

u'd spun around 7 times before i was born

i drifted slowly by searching forlorn
just 2 shooting stars among the fireworks

trying to meet without stopping first

spinning beyond reach thru celestial matter

like repellent magnets admiring from afar

and as falling stars crash down towards the earth

we leave behind nothing but memories and dirt

playing the game

Life is certainly funny sometimes

like a giant game of playing cards

or tug of war, tugging at my heart

the game of life becomes an art

Turning corners or choosing blind 

'cos everyone must roll the dice.

Who wins if the deck can change--

yet the rules remain the same?

When We Danced.

u came and went

and made me smile

when we danced 4 awhile
we went on dates and got in fights
and swore for never 'nother's night
nevermore moments rush with u
s'pose daydreams will have to do

Blessings: I'll take a hefty helping.

positivity thats what i want
positivity that what you got

positivity that what i need

shanti shanti shanti

live your life in positivity
growing love resourcefully
listen to the sounds of peace
filled with positive energy

let's all strive for life in peace
sharing what we know we need
change the world away from greed
and tune in to positivity

see the changes we have grown
into a world that was unknown
life is better now when you see
a new path built on positivity

we're not done, there's another step
breath in deep and don't forget
our mother earth and power sun
blessed us with positivity from day one

keep this gift within your soul
hold it, share it 'till you go
travel 'round the galaxy
sharing, spreading positivity

the end.

Dreams

It's almost daily now that
memories drift by
like magnets
reminding my heart
and hard to deny
heavy thoughts of you
align my bed
impossible ignorance
on previous comforts, now dead
what dreamers may hope
for solace in change
fearing que sera, sera
and you.. just water in my dreams

Positivity

Trying times

Prove rewarding

Patience builds

Out of mourning

Laughter will

Ring again

As you seek

Life's true mend

One of Those Days

I sat outside waiting for a friend
For plans that were supposed to be
She never came, so I stayed waiting
And that's when this appeared to me

I got my troubles and addictions
I got things I want to change
Some days are better than others
Well, it's just one of those days

I waited long enough to see if
Maybe she had changed her mind
Don't hate me for being controversial
I just run on my own time

I got my troubles and addictions
I got things I want to change
Some days are better than others
Well, it's just one of those days

I left the stage and you behind
Not waiting 'round no more
Another day you'll wait for me
'Till then, I'm evening the score

I got my troubles and addictions
I got things I want to change
Some days are better than others
Well, it's just one of those days

I got my troubles and addictions
I got things I want to change
Some days are better than others
And it's just one of those days

Today's Tomorrow

Confrontations

With future selves

Lead me to follow

No one else

Intuition naturally

Finds itself

Strong in me

Spiritual feeling

Steadfast

Follows an original path

Conclusions drawn

Earth to soul

Live and breathe
For my own

Why Do I

Why do I
write to avoid writing
speak to avoid talking
hear to avoid listening
yell to avoid crying

Why do I
stop to avoid going
ask to avoid knowing
smoke to avoid breathing
sleep to avoid feeling

Why do I
hate to avoid loving
lie to avoid trusting
kiss to avoid holding
give to avoid getting

Why do I
break to avoid fixing
steal to avoid having
run to avoid changing
jump to avoid climbing

Why do I
dress to avoid wearing
quit to avoid losing
smile to avoid frowning
believe to avoid understanding

Appreciation: III

So I like a chic...

Or maybe

I just like her

Style

Her sureness of

Herself

She's cute, smart & new.

I like new..

No More Games.

I don't play games so STOP tryin' to get me to lose a turn...

I may be blonde but I ain't no dumb girl, get it?

I liked you so I'll give ya another minute

But better watch now how you spend it

I won't pass GO another time,

As long as you got that rock stuck in your spine

Listen lady, it's time you realize

I can keep up while I try you on for size

I sure as hell ain't a fool like you wanna believe

The way you assume will get you none of me

Cuz I don't f'n wait around, play around, roll around

Until you're worth it

And all you gotta do is prove it

But instead your gonna prove me wrong

And I get to be the one laughing all along

Game over.

I Must Admit:

When it rains it pours…

I get a dozen roses

But nobody scores

You want me

But I don’t get

How giving me roses

Makes me forget

I like her &

You want me

I’m not just some apple

You can pick from a tree

I’ll fall @ my own pace

Don’t try to influence--

Growing love takes time
And I’ve got the patience.

Pressure

Writing writing everyday

Makes the pain go away

Even for a moment or two

Just like a good song would do

I feel trapped like in prison

By the world in which we live in

Wishing I could get away

Steal this life for my own
One day

Start a new or feel fresh

Let go of this earlthy flesh

Not saying that I want to die

But I guess that'd be alright

Release the pressure, fly away

It's gonna happen someday

When I go back to the end

Please play EJ's 'Candle in the Wind.'

I'll be starting over again
Breath, release, relax, begin.

I Miss You, But.

I miss you

But..

When I miss you

I pull through

I will go out & do my thing

Just 'cause you're not with me

Doesn't mean I can't be who I want to be

I am me and will forever be

Guess what - you'll see.

Ambition: II

So the truth is
It's your problem
NOT mine.
You who see nothing
Other than your
Elevated self,
You who will never know
Truth unless you
Pay for it,
You who must
Always prove to be
A liar and a thief
...Will forever remain
A tainted soul in the universe.
You who had so much potential
Corrupted your own heart and
Stole from those around you,
You who chose DarKness over light,
I wish you reciprocation
On your tangled path
And may you one day
See the results of such
An ignored heart.

Ambition: I

My life is a spectrum

With pressure on all sides

It changes colors as

Resistance builds

But I won't listen

When you say I can't

Because you couldn't

Do what I do

You ain't me

And I don't care

About spectrums only

Following my dreams

So I'll take each opportunity

To change the world

And I won't share ideas

With you who have no faith

Appreciate.

It's nice to know you care

In fact

It makes all the difference

The truth

That you wish well for me

Is hard

To comprehend but

I'm glad

I can breath easier

In knowing

I have your support

Thank you

Everybody

Everybody's got their passion
Everybody's got a disease
Everyone knows what they're doin' here

Everyone but me

I ain't the one fallin' in love

With video-game arcades

I won't walk down the street

Beggin' for money like a slave

Is my reason too big to get yet?

Am I really living in vain?

I can't stand the way you're living

But I love you just the same

A woman lives on the street

Claims she's got a job to do

I let her sing her soul and

Share a poem, damn she's

Good at what she do

But she measures her passion in money

I sure as hell ain't gonna give her dat

When she gives me this:

A lover I knew died today

She left me far behind

But the dead are not lonely

When we all change our minds

We leave pieces of ourselves behind

In broken cracks along the road

Trying to hold yourself together will

Get you left alone

Everybody's got a dream to live

Whether they obey it or not

We are here, one life, that's it

No time to feel alone.

She guesses my thoughts:

Is feeling useless?

Or to miss the F-word?

Friend.

She points to people sitin' at the bar acting
To know the meaning of such a thing

We all got shit goin on
I mean the S-word.

Sex.

Now that I've got your attention

I'll say it comes and goes with passion.
P-words. I can name a few

Smile lady this ones for you

Get on the mic and accomplish your dream

It's what you were destined to do

It's too late to change mine in time for

A dreamers destination

I watch as they catch what she leaves in the cracks

By wearing a soul on her sleeves

But who picks up the slack when

Dreams don’t make math?

I’m counting on wrinkle release

A cat has nine lives

Better try and get it right

Or face forever’s last night

N-word.

NOT NICE.

Did you find your passion yet?

Lemme check my back pocket.

Oh there’s that P-word again.

Peace.

Can we make it?

Stop—

Disappearing.

Check it.

Contemplation on Tattoos.

Someone asked me today why I don’t have any tattoos.

I said I do but I don’t wear them on the outside like you do.

My tattoos lie inside my heart as every painful loving scar.

They may not show on the outside of my skin but
You can see them looking in.

Take a trip inside my heart to see I’ve got plenty of markings.

Just like yours they tend to fade but show the marks of every blade.

What memory will you represent on my scarred up heart?

Show me what need there is to pretend I’m not torn apart.

Sure I bleed with each anew and still crave the next one too.

Why is it that designs meant to last forever fade
Almost imediatly after they are made?

Through my many lovers, inspirations and lost-friends

I’ve been given tattoos on the inside to mend.

Like yours, every tattoo is a mark of who I am,
Who I loved and where I’ve been.

Ladybug Spots.

I'm a chameleon. Changing to be the same. Gettin' older everyday.
I see my face changing into a woman I do not yet know.
By the time I change into her I will be someone new.
I'm 100% different then when I met you, than when I left you,
Than when I wept over you.
I am not the girl you thought you knew. I thought I knew her too.
But even though I loved you it wasn't true.
All I can think of to say is screw you! Why?
When all I wanna do is screw you.
I'm letting you get under my skin,
Digging deeper and deeper again and again.
Aging my amphibian nature and making me feel like a dumb little girl.
I just can't say no. I want to let go.
I want to grow old away from you, into something new.
To be new and fresh and aware.
But somehow you hold me like a deer in headlights stare.
What am I supposed to do when I am not strong enough to ignore my pull to you?
You knew me once. Smothered me there too.
Why in your world, was a butterfly not allowed to bloom?
Perhaps you worried I'd over-shadow you
When I just wanted to share my shadows with you.
While I was busy dreaming of what things could be,
I learned that my heart could bleed when it took a leap.
Crying like a ladybug with broken spots,
This chameleon girl grew up from your knocks.
It still hurts. I'm still changing. Will that ever change?
I read: In monarchs the power to transform lies within.
I'm ready to begin.
Just when I'm ready for flight you pull me in, again.
Will this butterfly ever get set free?
I'm learning and aging and tragically hoping you'll change for me.

A Note on Catching Time.

What does it look like when time stares at you? You'll need some time to figure it out. The thing about time though, is that it only takes seconds to be suspended in the middle of it and then all the while you are not moving, time goes passing by. So you are essentially no longer or ever frozen in time but rather a presence in the begining, middle and end of all time. Time is a most powerful force stopping for no man or godly demand. The more one tries to catch time, the more it's chases you down. Stopping only to brush by in an instant of slow moving comaraderie. We must be friends with time as time is on our side. Then again, what would we have if not for the changes of time? Time is seasons and laughter and instantly infinite.

The Nerve.

No sleeping, Driven mad

Don’t you try to understand

In fact you pretend to care

Then leave me ‘lone, Standing there

I’m fed up, No more lies

I’m too good to compromise

Take too much, Give too little

Support, What’s that? Unfulfilled
You toss spirits off the block

By takin’ souls and trading Nótt.

Fortunately, In your demise

You’ll finally come to recognize

By then it may be all too late

No time left to change your fate

You brought the pain upon yourself

What’s wrong? Can only dish it out?

No more games from yours to mine
Good for nothin’ but a rhyme

I’ll blast your sins out the mic

To prove its time you got a life.

Winner.

I'm mad because I have the same feelings as you. But you express them better than I'm able to do. I refuse to sit by and let you take all the action. I'm here for the same reasons; I've got the same passion. I see what you’re saying and relate to your rhyme, but isn’t that just what I see as your crime? How dare you seek to inspire me, when I’m the one inspiring. I won’t let you thrill me or take me off guard. It’s you who need to ring the alarm. I’ll be like a joker circling around his mark or like a child, peeking through the dark. A swift plan of action is all it would take, to peel my life back from a stranger mistake. But you’re not a stranger, nor can I call you a friend. Have we met before or is this a dead end? Come on fight back, let me take you down. I’ll win my own battles this time around. I guess the truth is I admire you too. We’ve got more in common than we know with what to do. I’ll forget to remember you in the end, and one day maybe we’ll pretend to be friends. It's time to become a winner in the making. The journey is long and I’m here for the taking.

Do GOOD.

Save the Earth – Written by Julie Hargreaves

We take for granted planted Earth. Never knowing how much she's worth.

Then rape the Earth of her precious gems forgetting Mother Nature again.

We only have one life, one world. Time to show we care, give good.

Imagine the pain of our dying Earth, and change your ways to save her.

Change to give peace a chance. Isn't that the least we can ask?

For years it's been a meaningless cycle, but now its time to break the cycle.

No more bull, throw away your shit. It’s easy and we all can do it.

Together we can make it happen, before the tragedy can (happen).

Use less water and recycle your cans and bottles.

Ride a bike or go easy on that throttle.

It's easy to change the world and it won't take long.

Let’s work together, come join along!

Soul Mate

Jan. 28th

The one that got away. I'm letting go today.

I wanted to be with you until our lives were through.

But you haven't come around since you threw me out.

I have so many plans. The way it should have gone.

I'm still in denial to have lost my number one.

I feel you everyday or is that my lone heart.

To the one that got away I beg for a fresh start.

If we are not meant to be, then why did I have the dream?

To see us hand in hand walking on the beach with age. My soul mate.

You are the one that got away. I guess not.

untitled

Jan. 30th, 2010

Does a heart blacken over night or does it take a whole life?

Is it one incidence or two that bleeds a heart into its tomb?

A heart once started out so pure loses soul in murky river.

Can you get it back again when broken heart becoms a friend?

Clouded memories turn grey to black. Does this heart ever love you back?

FIlled-up with the darkest gloom. This heart wishes for no more room.

Not empty due to missing love but filled with darkness and.. out of love.

NO MORE BS (chant)

no more bullshit

no more crap

no more from you

we've had enough of that

Namaste

Written March, 6th 2009

I want to see the goddess in you

Let me know your love is true

"Seeing is believing" they say

But in order to believe you have to have faith

It's not too hard to find true love

But in order to keep it, you gotta rise above

Let go of the doubt or jealousy that reigns

So that love and kindness can fill your veins

Transform the thoughts of your heart

And listen to your song

Release that grudge you're holding

It's OK to dance along!

Don't worry about feeling silly or stepping in too deep

Be the guardian of your own soul and spirit to keep

Love yourself to find what's true

It all starts and ends with you

Questions about - - - -

Written on 2/16/09

I opened up to you when I was low
You said it was OK to cry, to bare my soul
You were fake.
Just wanted to see how far I would go
Now I'm feeling even more alone
Sometimes I wonder why do I care or let myself feel so much?
The pain comes in mixed with short-lived relief and love
This love is my crutch or vicodin pill
Something that numbs all the pain 
Can decend and make me feel ill
What should I do If love is a drug I need to survive?
Will you help me keep love alive
Or will you just feed the flame of pain inside? 
I wish I knew how to live this life
And love the ones I bring into mine

Why is there always so much strife?

Is the pain only one of a kind

Or do I just reap what I sow?

Driving in silence is better than driving in tears

Written on 2/16/09

Instead of yelling and fighting, emotions on overdrive

We sit and ride in silence, only half alive

What can you do

But cut your losses and stew

Over everything as the road passes you by

Nothing can be fixed this way

But at least I'm not going to cry

The cold outside is inside too

Of this shell that rolls along

Just like a life you wish was thru,

The pain just keeps dragging on

But silence is better than tears today

When sadness is all that you know

Someday I will drive on my own road of life

And let only happy tears flow

Artistic Disgression

You want so much of me
More than I have to give
You're always chasing me
When I just want to liveI can't give you my heart
I keep that for myself
I'm keeping all my art
So take it off your shelf

I'll miss you, sure it's true
But here we are again
You want a dream come true
And I just want a friend

I'm sure it's over now
And really that's too bad
I told you this was how
It was not meant to end

I wrote this poem for you
I wanted you to know
You have my art with you
No matter where you go

It may not be displayed
Inside your home or out
But my heart has not changed
Just simply spread about 

A poem on friendship

I'm a lover, a giver, a dreamer, a friend

I will stick by you until the end

That is if you let me, I'll be there in kind

I'll help lift you up and broaden your mind

For all this I give, I ask for something:
A friendship that lasts above all other things
I'm better than those who steal and move on

Ours would be a friendship to truly lean on

Please let me help you with the troubles you face

I need a friend too, on which to brace

Together our combo can really be known

As a friendship into which both parties have grown

Again I beg that you understand

How important you are to the greater plan

True friendship is capable of changing the world

Together we'll see more than alone ever could

The joy one can find alongside another

Can never be better than friendship forever

Apologies

I don't want to lose you

I won't let you go 

I push you away only 'cause I don't know

You make my heart melt and I cherish you for such

Please take me back because I love you so much!

Reflections

1/7/09

There’s not much else I can do but silently miss you. My hands are tied behind my heart. The pain of missing you is still not greater than the pain of having you. My weary bones gather strength from the inner spirit to look forward. I appreciate my past. My life was different before I knew you, and yet again it is changing after loosing you. I may miss, I may feel despair. But what is life if not to get hit by passing rocks just to get back up again. The sooner we learn this the better. I care, I love, I miss, I dream, I fight, I breath, I grow, I teach, I fall, I believe, I am you and you are with me.

I can’t let your memory hold me back or get me down. You tattooed my heart with your soul and as unforgettable as you may be, I only belong to me. Sometimes I wish for that spotless mind, what peace may come to leave you behind. But what was shared is not ours alone. Our love was given between two hearts unknowing who or what else our emotion affected.

To have loved and feel love creates a deity to be shared throughout the universal spirit of amore in its entirety. 

Lovers Privilege or Peril?

12/23/09

Such a privilege in a lover’s eyes

Whether in a dream or alive

To love and share a sight

Together on endless nights

To love with no regret

To know your heart is safely set

To feel connected to what’s true

May eventually tear your heart in two

With great amore comes great peril

Building a life may leave you sterile

Away from a love that was once all you knew

When forever is over much too soon

Leave open the door as the heart can repair

Let go of ex-lovers with a tear of despair

I must make this choice, the decision’s not mine

Broken heart’s healing always takes time

Forget the good story of star-crossed trouble

You’ve still got your heart left to untangle

All alone you almost are

Reigns true of victims from broken heart